ADDing Up

You do not live for 40+ years without knowing a thing or two about your own self. So, when few months ago my psychiatrist told me, after several hour-long sessions of mostly me talking and him listening, that I have been living my entire life with ADD, it merely confirmed what I had suspected for some time.

Still, the diagnosis made a huge impact on me, by throwing a bright spotlight on a significant chunk of my past life that was somewhat in the dark. Today I understand many struggles, and triumphs, of my life and career that remained unexplained before.

I have devoted every spare minute since then researching on ADD, driven partly by the urge to know more about myself, and also to share with you everything that I learn about this global, and modern, scourge. ADDing Up grew out of this ongoing effort.

Early triumph, late struggle

As a school-going kid, my grades suffered early, but improved in high school and kept getting better afterwards. Since then I breezed through all exams with A+ scores, and by the time I completed Masters graduation (in physics), I was well on course to becoming a brilliant career physicist.

This much of my life is easily explained. I always liked physics and math more than anything else, and my effort on a subject was in direct proportion to my interest in it. As school year progressed through Masters, my curriculum became more and more physics-specific, and grades improved accordingly.

But, once I began doctoral studies, as if a switch flipped inside me, and my  career path suddenly turned uphill. Being free from exams, and lacking a strong internal motivation to stay focused in my study, I spent too much time with friends, and less on research. I did eventually complete Ph.D. (in physics), but it was due more to talent than perseverance.

Mismatch of “productivity” and “potential”

Knowing what I could accomplish if tried enough, my productivity (number of research papers I wrote) was well below my potential, or talent. This mismatch of potential and productivity has dogged my career ever since. I also lacked “staying power” on a single subject, and in the decade since Ph.D., moved from physics to, first chemistry, and finally to biology.

Because I never lacked in talent, and had the subject of choice for Ph.D., I did not understand this persistent lack of motivation, until now. Today I know that my problem has a biological origin inside me, and has nothing to do with my surroundings or friends. ADD, which arises from a certain type of brain structure, weakens our ability to sustain focus over long periods of time.

Exam vs. research – different demand on focus

My power of sustained focus was never really tested in school, because I was intelligent enough to excel in exams with little effort, which needed my attention only in short “bursts”. If grades are a measure of productivity in school, mine was evenly matched with my potential back then.

Talent alone, though, is never enough to do productive research over several years, and perseverance – staying focused through life’s many little bumps and bruises – is usually a bigger virtue.

That is why my internal “ADD switch” flipped when I began doctoral research, because I always struggled to keep myself focused through those distractions. It often took me a long time to complete even the routine projects, and productivity dropped as a result. My struggle continues to this day.

Missing early signs may raise adult ADD risk

Because I did not show typical early signs of ADD as a kid, such as consistently poor grades, difficulty with assignments, inattentiveness, hyperactivity or discipline issues, I never looked for an answer inside me when similar problems (like focus issue and poor productivity) showed up later in my life.

Also, people were not much aware of ADD when I was a kid, and “symptoms” like bad grades and indiscipline were usually blamed on poor parenting. On the contrary, good parenting, such as a comfortable home and help with study, can hide many of these symptoms, and the kids would face problems later when they move out and begin living by themselves (as it was with me).

Lack of awareness might have led to missing many of the early signs in our generation, and a rise of adult ADD cases. Today we know lot more about ADD than our parents ever did. Do we know enough? Do we know right? These are the questions I discuss here.